- Name: Lila Cheney
- Code Names: N/A
- First Appearance: New Mutants Annual #1 (Nov‘84)
- Powers: Celestial Level Teleportation
- Team Affiliation: N/A
About
Rock legend Joan Jett said “My guitar is not a thing. It is an extension of myself. It is who I am.” It’s a sentiment shared by anyone who has picked up a six-string. There is a raw, pulsating energy that comes from smashing a power chord out in front of a screaming audience. It’s why saving the world with the power of rock & roll is a cliché, because when you and your band hit that groove, you feel like you could take on the world. Rock was the music of outcasts and it made perfect sense when they found an ally our their own in the intergalactic Rockstar Lila Cheney.
Lila learned of her powers at a young age and used them for the pure joy of it. She could teleport, but exclusively on a cosmic scale. She would hop from planet to planet looking for her next thrill. She would cause havoc on one moon and court a prince on the next. She would get sold into slavery on one planet and play a killer concert on the next. Her parents didn’t quite believe her but that was just fine, Lila loved it. She recruited a backing band named Cat’s Laughing and became intergalactically renowned for two things. First, was her phenomenal live shows that left audiences begging for more. And second, she couldn’t help but steal when she got bored.
Lila’s biggest heist was a Dyson Sphere, an entirely artificial world built around a star, but it wasn’t enough. Lila set her sights on stealing a planet. She had been selling out venues all over the US, finishing her tour in Manhattan where the New Mutants had tickets. A rigging malfunction caused a tower of speakers to tumble towards Lila and Cannonball shot into action saving her. She gave her savior a kiss and invited his friends back to her place later that evening. Unfortunately, Lila’s buyers for the planet tried to cut out the middle man and take Earth for themselves. The New Mutants saved their world and Lila agreed that maybe she didn’t think this plan of hers out. But there was still one lingering loose end.
His name was Samuel Zachery Guthrie and there was something about him that was irresistible to Lila. Maybe it was his farm boy charm or maybe it was how uncomfortable he looked in that black leather but Lila wanted to make her time with Cannonball more than just a fling. She stayed close with the boy, not that she was that much older than him but he was a boy to her, and helped where she could. When the New Mutants needed to infiltrate an exclusive underground Gladiatorial arena, Lila got them tickets.
Sam was a little more apprehensive about their relationship. Kids from Cameron County tended to listen to more Buck Owens than Blondie and he wasn’t sure how mama Guthrie would take her son dating a punk rock princess. More than that, the straight-laced Sam feared showing up for Sunday dinner with someone who stole celestial bodies dressed like Lita Ford. The moment finally came for Lila to be introduced to Sam’s mother and she wanted to make a good impression. She handmade a beautiful crystal angel from an alien world as a gift for Mrs. Guthrie but Sam was convinced that she stole it. Lila was understandably hurt by the accusation and Sam soon realized that he was being a real jerk. After that dinner went off without a hitch. Lucinda Guthrie loved her son’s new girlfriend, how could she not?
The road still called to Lila, it was where she belonged. Her posse grew to include the mutant bodyguard Strong Guy and a disguised and disgraced backup singer in Dazzler. Her latest album was yet another hit and things were looking up for Lila. On the edges of the solar system, a slaver named Spyder believed he owned Lila and captured her right off stage at one of her concerts. The New Mutants went to rescue her but things began to go south quickly. Mindless monsters attacked the teens and all seemed lost. In a moment of selflessness, Lila teleported herself and the monsters into the sun. Sam could only watch as the love of his life disappeared in from of his eyes.
With very little explanation, Lila ended up surviving and never mentioning the incident again. She bounced around in Shi’Ar space for a hot second and helped the X-Men overthrow some Skurlls who wanted to take over but soon found herself home in Malibu trying to get her career back on track. She discovered that Dazzler had been crashing on her couch for a few weeks but most things were normal. When Longshot came to recruit Dazzler for another rebellion against Mojo, Lila decided to join the fun. After a few bumps, and getting brainwashed into reenacting The Wizard of Oz, the rebels were successful and Lila returned home to write another album.
Lila played at the mutant rally where Charles Xavier was shot and returned with him to the X-Mansion to ensure his survival. There she ran into an old fling with a new flame. After she was assumed dead, Sam began dating his teammate Boom Boom. Lila was a mature adult about the whole situation, Boom Boom was Boom Boom. Lila acted as the team bus while they relocated to Arizona and joined them on a mission to a space station. She and Sam parted on good terms. They both knew they had grown apart, but that didn’t mean they couldn’t be friends.
Lila tried to find something, or someone, to anchor herself. Dazzler was in the Mojoverse, Sam was leading X-Force, and even Strong Guy had gone from bouncer to government agent. She fell back on stealing out of boredom and ended up dragging Strong Guy and the rest of X-Force into a war with an alien race. They chased the aliens off Earth, but the beings left a bomb to exact revenge on X-Factor. Without concern for his own life, Strong Guy pushed Lila out of the way of the blast and absorbed it all for himself. He was comatose for months and Lila told him just how important he was to her. They stayed together for a brief moment but realized that they could never work as a couple.
Lila went back to Sam and they tried to rekindle their relationship again, but it fizzled out. She helped David Haller on his mission to make the UK more mutant friendly and used her fame for good. Hanging out on her Dyson Sphere old ghosts came back to haunt Lila. The parents of the prince she proposed to as a little girl came back calling. On their world woman have the right to choose their mates regardless of the feelings of the man. Also, they only speak in rhyme. Lila recruited Captain Marvel to help and, long, weird story short, Captain Marvel’s best friend married the prince. Lila, feeling inspired, left to write her next album and rock across the universe.
Must Read
Do you know why you should read New Mutants Annual #1? It isn’t for the fun Claremont characters who go to a rock show and have a crazy time. It isn’t for Bob McLeod’s beautiful art that showed he could draw fantastic kids. It is for the Bill Sienkiewicz cover. This is among the most metal covers that have ever existed. Lila, with her B.C. Rich held in one hand and her fist defiantly raised to the sky, stands in front of an erupting world with Cannonball at her feet. The trade dress sell it so well “Steal This Planet! A Rock Fable”. This appeals to a very specific demographic, but that demo is 100% me. Just pick up this one-shot and enjoy.
Ranking
Lila is great but Lila isn’t important. If you want a musician, you just use Dazzler. If you want a thief, Gambit and Storm exist. If you want someone to date Cannonball, that is what Smasher is there for now. Lila just doesn’t have a role in current X-Men even though all of her appearances are pretty great. The lowest ranking New Mutant on this list is Cypher at number 65 and I think Lila is better than him. Skids at number 57 is a fun character but Lila gets to be a part of better stories. Omega Red is oddly similar to Lila, but I like Ms. Cheney better. The moppets Artie & Leech connect with me more. That places Lila Cheney as the new number 55 in the Xavier Files.
Lila was requested by Patreon supporter Levi Fleming. Thank you for the request. If you have a request for how about you send it below? If you want to cut to the front of the two-year long line, we have a Patreon you can support Xavier Files for just $1 to get a line cutting reward.
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Next week shake, rattle, and roll with Rictor! See you then!
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Zachary Jenkins runs ComicsXF and is a co-host on the podcast “Battle of the Atom.” Shocking everyone, he has a full and vibrant life outside of all this.
